JoeyAvaMyan

Your Mother's Touch

Sushmita Sen once said,"The essence of being a woman is the mother itself.." I could no longer recall the rest of the words, but it had struck a cord in my heart. The impact of Sen's answer not only touched my soul but also made history for she was crowned Miss Universe 2004. Everyday, I look at the mirror and wonder if bearing a child enough to throw at Sen's face that I understand what being a woman is. Will I know after the drama I had made in the labor room? Screaming my lungs out like those scenes we see in the movies. Did I qualify when I cried seeing my baby for the first time? Is that it?!

I grew up without a mother. I never knew why my father was the only guy during those dreaded PTA meetings. I never thought I was different. I have a grandmother who treats me like her own and a "yaya" to comfort me whenever I wake up screaming at night. I had bad nightmares when I was a child. I guess, that made me aloof towards other people. Still, I don't remember finding it strange that I never saw my mother. What did I know? I was just a kid.

My teenage years were quite normal. I went through it without too much scars. I had some bad experiences that when I sit and contemplate about it, I just want to die and take it out of my memory. I was enjoying my life. Being free from responsibilities and nothing to worry about but what to wear for the next party.. then the inevitable happened..a story I had long ago buried and denied. I bore myself a child.

I was forced to face all the responsibilites I never wanted. All I knew is that I am not meant to have a child. What was I supposed to do? I don't know a thing about being a mother. My memories with my mother never existed. I could not even recall the last time she hugged me. But I was strong, well I tried to be strong. I dealt with her and became the best mother I could possibly be. I vowed to be always there for her no matter what..yet I have to give up my dreams..I could never be the person I had hoped to be. So, when my daughter was three years old, I gave her to her father. I wanted my old life back. I was still a kid who was being selfish. I could never forgive myself for doing that but that time I sincerely felt, I didn't have a choice.

Now, I have another baby girl. This time I want it to be different. I feel that I am fully ready to become the mother who will not give up just for my selfish wants. She needs me. Everytime I look into her eyes, I see her begging me not to leave her. I see myself in her. I seldom see my first daughter. She knows who I am and is very adorable. I wish I could turn back the time in which I don't have to give her up. I realized that I had become like my mother. She gave me up for her dreams. This time, all will change. I don't want my Ava to think she is inadequate of caring for another human being. I want her to have the love of both parents. She was so tiny when she was born and so fragile. My other daughter, Shayla, was still young when she lost me. Both of them will be needing their mother's touch.

A Place I Call Home

Not everybody gets to be with the people he loves. "Still searching" has become the cliche I had grown to detest. Everywhere you could see hearts being broken and dreams left unfulfilled. So what made me different from the rest? I could only smile at you and say.."I have a place I call Home." It may be not be the biggest mansion to rival the Taj Mahal nor it be as beautiful as the Hanging Gardens of Babylon..but it housed the two people I dearly love and they represent the shining beacon of hope that life don't have to be wasted.

I will not pass up the chance to see Joey and Ava smile at me when I wake up. Simple gestures that never fail to bring tears to my eyes. These people have given me forever. These two had given me back my life.

My Angel

The days seem longer while I await until I get to hold you in my arms. Restless nights I endure hoping that tomorrow will greet me with good news. It's a long ride from the house to where you are now. It breaks my heart everytime I have to leave you in the care of nurses. Are they treating you allright? Do they pick you up and comfort you whenever you cry? Are they able to hush your fears and whisper words of love to ease your doubts? How I wish you are with me right now. Your father says that I have nothing to worry about. I should listen to him but its so hard knowing that I could not see your first smile each day. How I would love to hear you cry as you demand to be fed at dawn. Singing you lullabies and having you feel the warmth of my touch. I pray that day is nearing real soon..

"well i am looking for an angel,
someone to watch over me
someone to lean on my shoulder
i want to feel how love can be
but some things don't come so easy
i've learned my lesson well
some things don't work the way you planned
sometimes you just can't tell
so i'm looking for an angel...

you are my paradise
the source of my desires
i believe in you so much
i'm longing for your touch
i need you by my side
so my dreams will fly
i can live this way because i know
i cry alone, i seem to cry alone

so what will I do without you?
who will I see when I close my eyes?
I can't another night alone without you here
'cause i can't face the night without u near

so I'm looking for an angel..
I'm looking for you..."

September 9, 2007: The Angels Sang George Frideric Handel's "HALLELUJAH"

On that day, the heavens rejoiced. The angels sang praises to thee.
Handel's musical prowess accompanied the birth of Ava, who came as a big surprise to us as she was expected to be born either late September or early October.


As the sacred oratorio headed to its climax, Ava came out to see the world.


Hours later, the orchestra under Dubourg's baton made her big black eyes open.


Welcome, our dear child, Ava...
-mama Myan and papa Joey-

Ill-begotten Thoughts

LIMBO



this is for all those who share the same sentiments with me. breaking up is hard to do. whether you are the one who is the one initiating the break up or whether you are the one who got left behind(ouch!)..you had built your life around that one person whom you thought will save you from your temporary insanity. you are holding on to something that isn't there anymore. you are fighting for something not worth it. you are waiting for miracles that will never happen. reality bites and kills. you go through life as if you are not part of it all. sleep is out of the question. you lurk in the dark shadows and wait for death to come. wishes never happen but hope does...





-myan-





WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW MAY HURT YOU



....there are times that you wish not to know what really is going on around you and within you..fear might be the reason and indifference could be the root..running away is not the solution.face it and be aggressive in dealing with unclear facts..you will never know that this could save you in the end..but still too much is never a good thing.curiosity may have killed the cat but ignorance may cripple you...


-myan-

Letter to baby Ava

Hi baby,

How are you? Is everything alright there? How are mama's internal organs? Did you rearrange them? Hmmmm.....no baby.
You were so lazy last night. Mama could hardly breathe and sleep and you always kick papa's face whenever he kisses mama's tummy...
In less than a month, you will see how handsome your papa is...hehehehehe...and mama, according to her, has to work on her figure again.

Yesterday, mama told me she's scared of getting into labor. I told her to calm down. She has to focus on who is it that she's going to see after the labor.
Today, we will buy a few things for you. Just take your time...and while you're there, try to clean mama's intestines.

Love,
Papa

What I Love and Crave For

I love life. I love to build relationships and nurture it to last for the longest time. Trust and loyalty is what I value most in any relationship thus I will stand and fight for it whenever I needed to. I think the best way to enjoy life is spending it with your loved ones.


I love to laugh. Though most of the time I am perceived as serious and conceited it only masked the shyness and vulnerability inside. But I find the dumbest idea in simple things and make or laugh to my corniest jokes. Life doesn't need to be so damn serious.

I crave for learning. I try to learn new things as much as I could and I try to see where my curiosity and capabilities will bring me. Few things that interest me are politics, poetry, music and fitness. I try to find time to learn and practice them whenever possible. I write poetry and blog entries to express my feelings and ideas.