Your Mother's Touch

Sushmita Sen once said,"The essence of being a woman is the mother itself.." I could no longer recall the rest of the words, but it had struck a cord in my heart. The impact of Sen's answer not only touched my soul but also made history for she was crowned Miss Universe 2004. Everyday, I look at the mirror and wonder if bearing a child enough to throw at Sen's face that I understand what being a woman is. Will I know after the drama I had made in the labor room? Screaming my lungs out like those scenes we see in the movies. Did I qualify when I cried seeing my baby for the first time? Is that it?!

I grew up without a mother. I never knew why my father was the only guy during those dreaded PTA meetings. I never thought I was different. I have a grandmother who treats me like her own and a "yaya" to comfort me whenever I wake up screaming at night. I had bad nightmares when I was a child. I guess, that made me aloof towards other people. Still, I don't remember finding it strange that I never saw my mother. What did I know? I was just a kid.

My teenage years were quite normal. I went through it without too much scars. I had some bad experiences that when I sit and contemplate about it, I just want to die and take it out of my memory. I was enjoying my life. Being free from responsibilities and nothing to worry about but what to wear for the next party.. then the inevitable happened..a story I had long ago buried and denied. I bore myself a child.

I was forced to face all the responsibilites I never wanted. All I knew is that I am not meant to have a child. What was I supposed to do? I don't know a thing about being a mother. My memories with my mother never existed. I could not even recall the last time she hugged me. But I was strong, well I tried to be strong. I dealt with her and became the best mother I could possibly be. I vowed to be always there for her no matter what..yet I have to give up my dreams..I could never be the person I had hoped to be. So, when my daughter was three years old, I gave her to her father. I wanted my old life back. I was still a kid who was being selfish. I could never forgive myself for doing that but that time I sincerely felt, I didn't have a choice.

Now, I have another baby girl. This time I want it to be different. I feel that I am fully ready to become the mother who will not give up just for my selfish wants. She needs me. Everytime I look into her eyes, I see her begging me not to leave her. I see myself in her. I seldom see my first daughter. She knows who I am and is very adorable. I wish I could turn back the time in which I don't have to give her up. I realized that I had become like my mother. She gave me up for her dreams. This time, all will change. I don't want my Ava to think she is inadequate of caring for another human being. I want her to have the love of both parents. She was so tiny when she was born and so fragile. My other daughter, Shayla, was still young when she lost me. Both of them will be needing their mother's touch.